This is the story of how it took FedEx two weeks to deliver a package to me, counting from the day that my package arrived in the Greater Boston Area, where I live. It is a tale of gross corporate inefficiencies, stupid robots, and distrustful customer service representatives. Whether it is a fable, an allegory, or another rant from an angry customer depends entirely on your perspective and your position within the FedEx Ground Shipping Division.

On Saturday, February 15th, I attempted to give a presentation from my 2011 MacBook Pro to an audience of approximately 100. Before the presentation, I was frantically charging the computer, hoping its battery would last long enough for the presentation. During the presentation, the ancient Thunderbolt port woukd not stay connected to the adapter and the presentation turned chaotic. Luckily, the presentation was part of a comedy show, so the chaos was welcome. It made me realize, though, that an upgrade was probably a good idea.

The next day, after much research, I ordered a Dell XPS 13 Developer Edition laptop. When I placed the order, I was forced to enter a company name because, for some reason, Dell assumed that anyone ordering a Developer Edition laptop must be part of a company. I am not a company, but I entered my name for this anyway. I should also note that Dell's website's certificate was not trusted by Google Chrome, so I was very hesitant to enter my credit card information, but did so anyway because hey - what's life without any risk? I could always cancel any fradulent charges.

My credit card was also hesitant to give over its money to this untrusted website, so it blocked the charge. Dell emailed me that my order had been successfully placed, but the charge had not gone through. They would retry the charge the next business day. The next day was President's Day, so they would have had to try two days later, but they didn't. I'm not sure why. Regardless, I was happy to not give them my money immediately; my order was placed and due to arrive on March 17th.

The shipping address I gave was that of my apartment in Boston. I was warned that it would need to be signed for, but I figured one of my roommates or I would be around the week of March 17th.

Many of the details given above are extraneous. Some become important later.

Approximately two weeks later, on Friday, February 28th, there was a flurry of activity surrounding my laptop in the wee hours of the night. At midnight, the laptop was picked up by FedEx from Dell. At 1:04 AM, Dell attempted to charge my card again. It was blocked, again. At 2:04, the charge was attempted and blocked, again. Santander Bank sent me an "urgent" email after both attempts to confirm the purchase. I was, as sometimes occurs, asleep at one in the morning. I woke up around 8, confirmed the purchase via text, and the charge was processed later that day.

My laptop was in the hands of FedEx for at least 8 hours before it was paid for. Dell is very lucky that I did not try to scam them. They are also very lucky that FedEx cannot get a package very far in 8 hours.

At 5:42 PM, my laptop arrived at a FedEx location in Chicago, IL. Earlier that morning, the expected arrival day was the same day. I didn't mind. It's hard to calculate expected arrival days, especially when you're a company as large as FedEx whose business, for the last 49 years, has been shipping packages and who has all the data necessary to estimate expected arrival days accurately. Really, I didn't mind. I did, however, lose trust in the expected arrival date, so I went in to my office on Monday, despite being told that the package would arrive that day and need to be signed for.

On Monday, March 2nd, I received a phone call from a Boston area number. I'm under the age of 30, so I'm terrified of talking to people on the phone, but I answered anyway. I'm brave. It was the FedEx deliveryperson. She was at my apartment. I told her that I was at work. She told me that she had tried ringing the bell. I told her that my roommates were away or at work, too. She said that she would take the package back to Quincy and that I could try to pick it up there or she would try again tomorrow.

When I got home later that night, there was a FedEx door tag on the door. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the above evidence establishes, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that (1) FedEx has my cell phone number, and (2) FedEx knows how to find my apartment.

On Tuesday, March 3rd, I went in to work again. Should I have waited at home for the laptop instead? Perhaps. However, I had two very good reasons for going in. First, the FedEx tracking website informed me that delivery drivers would attempt delivery three times. If they missed me Tuesday, I would still be able to sign for the package on Wednesday. I made arrangements to work from home Wednesday. Second, I was headed to Quincy after work on Tuesday for previously made plans. I could just pop into the FedEx location there and get my laptop. As you can tell by the position of the scroll bar, there is no chance that it was that easy.

Once in Quincy, I ran into the FedEx location there. There may or may not be multiple FedEx locations in Quincy, but I went into the one most convenient to reach on the way to my final destination. This location happened to be inside of a Walgreens. There were no FedEx employees in sight, so I asked a Walgreens employee for assistance. He looked up the tracking number and moved a couple boxes around, but did not find it. I don't think he looked very hard. I didn't really mind, though. I had plans to attend to and would wait home for the package the next day.

On Wednesday, March 4th, I informed my manager that I would be working from home to sign for a package and be in later that afternoon. I waited, somewhat patiently, for my laptop. At 3:17 PM, I still did not have my package. I checked the tracking website, and saw that at 2:12 PM, a third delivery attempt had been made, but there was an "Incorrect address - Apartment/Suite number". I have demonstrated previously that FedEx knew my address and phone number. On Monday, someone from FedEx had called me and told me that she rang the bell. She knew very well what apartment number I was in. I called her.

She remembered me quickly. She said that she wasn't working today, but would call her boss to see who was. She warned me that the shift usually ends at 3:00 PM, so I might not be able to get it. She called me back a few minutes later. The person covering her had finished his shift, but she said that she would be working tomorrow and get it straight to me. She knew where I lived and would call me when she was outside. I thanked her.

On Thursday, March 5th, I informed my manager about what had transpired the day before. I said that I would work from home again in the morning and be in as soon as possible. At around 11:00 AM, I refreshed the tracking page. It appeared that the package was back in Quincy, but that FedEx was "Awaiting additional delivery information from recipient". Whatever, I thought, my friend will get it to me. She said she would. I had spoken to her on the phone three times now, which immediately qualified her as my friend. Just to be safe, I sent her a text to confirm that she was still coming.

At 1:00 PM, she still had not responded. I had been stuck inside my apartment for a day and a half and was becoming less patient. I gave her a call. A man answered. I explained who I was and he hung up. I tried calling back, but the call was ended without even ringing. I had lost a friend. She wasn't going to bring me my package.

I went back to the FedEx tracking website. It said "Awaiting additional information from recipient". That's me, I thought. Let me give you additional information. I clicked around their site, created an account, confirmed my account, and clicked some more, but nowhere could I give FedEx additional information. Don't be such a milllennial, I thought. I called their customer support number.

I was greeted by a robot. The robot asked me to enter my tracking number. I did so. I was able to enter it verbally and the robot could understand what numbers I had said. What a clever robot. It then read verbatim the information from the tracking page that I was currently reading. Not such a clever robot after all. I needed a person.

Finally, I thought. But no. Having entered a tracking number, robot read verbatim the information from the tracking page that I was currently reading. Not such a clever robot after all. I needed a person.

Maybe this time it will work, I thought. But no. Having entered a tracking number, robot read verbatim the information from the tracking page that I was currently reading. Not such a clever robot after all. I hung up, but not without swearing at the robot first.

I called my mom to complain. She told me to call Dell. Sometimes she gives good advice. It's hard not to when you give so much. Sometimes, it's going to be cold enough for a coat. Sometimes, it's a good idea to call Dell. This was one of those times.

At Dell, I was able to reach a human within 30 seconds. Absolutely shocking. I explained what was going on, in somewhat less detail than this. I told them I wanted to change the shipping address of my package to my work address. They said that they could help. Shocking. I told them the new address, thanked them, and went to work. A few hours later, they called to confirm the new address. I confirmed it for them.

On Friday, I missed a call from Dell. I called them back, except it was an 800 number so I couldn't just talk to the person who had called me. Instead, I spoke to a fourth Dell representative. First, he asked me whether I was calling for business or personal matters. As you'll recall, I had ordered what Dell considers to be a business computer, but it was for my personal use. I didn't know and explained as much. Luckily, I was not talking to FedEx's robot, so the representative was able to correctly forward me to another representative. I explained that I was returning a call and he had me confirm some of the order information, including the shipping address. I gave him my apartment address. He said that it didn't match what his records showed and could not confirm my identity. I asked him if he wanted the new address or the old address. He said I needed to confirm the address that he had in front of him. I couldn't see what he had in front of him and he couldn't tell me. I gave him my office address. This satisfied the Sphinx, and he was now able to talk to me freely.

He read my record for me, which described the calls I had exchanged with Dell. He confirmed the new shipping address again and said that I would get a call when the package was out for delivery. I thanked him and hung up.

A couple hours later, I received another call from Dell. After confirming my identity, the conversation went exactly the same way as the previous call. I had now spoken to and confirmed the new address with at least 7 people at Dell.

On Monday, March 9th at 2:00 PM, Kevin, the HR/Office person at my company emailed everyone that we would have a mandatory work from home day on Tuesday as a trial run in preparation for a Coronavirus quarantine. At 5:00 PM, Dell called me again. The laptop would be delivered to my office tomorrow, Tuesday.

I messaged my manager who was now partly invested in this drama. He told me to ask Kevin if I could go in despite the mandatory work from home day to receive, at last, my package. I subjected Kevin to an abbreviated version of this story and he told me to be sure to sit near the door because sometimes they don't ring the bell. Crisis averted? The scroll bar says otherwise.

On Tuesday, March 10th, I went in to work. The office was empty. It was eerie. I might have enjoyed it more, but I felt like I couldn't take my eyes off the main door for too long. At around 1:15 PM, Kevin arrived at the office. His kids were home from school because of the virus and he couldn't focus. He was surprised that FedEx hadn't come yet. He asked me for the tracking number and gave them a call. Somehow, he managed to speak to a human. I don't know how he did it. Probably why I'm the one who does Computer Science and he's the one who does Human Resources. Kevin explained that we were waiting for a package and wanted to know why it hadn't been delivered. He got progressively angrier at whomever he was speaking to, which made me like him more, but did little to get my package delivered. When he got off the phone, I refreshed the tracking page and saw that a delivery attempt had been made but the "Customer not available or business closed".

I was certainly there and the business was certainly not closed. I was starting to think that the laptop did not really exist. Or perhaps it was me. Apartment/suite number incorrect. Business closed. Customer no longer substantive/alive.

To prove to someone that I was still on this mortal plane, I called the only person that could confirm my identity - Dell. I was real. They would look into it and follow up with me. They did so and confirmed the address a couple more times.

Finally, I received a call from FedEx at 3:47 PM. This was a call from FedEx's actual number, not the cell phone of one of their delivery drivers. I confirmed my identity for this person as well. After some discussion involving door tags, attempted deliveries, and addresses new and old, I learned that Dell had not given FedEx the company name or floor number of my work address. In a building with many companies and several floors, this made it quite hard for them to deliver the laptop. Yet, something tells me that they weren't trying too hard. They do, after all, have my phone number.

So I told the FedEx representative to update the address with my company name and floor number. He said he would do so, but could not guarantee that my package would be delivered because three delivery attempts had already been made. Apparently, the ones at the first address count towards that total. Apparently, FedEx's three delivery attempt policy is an unbreakable law. The FedEx representative asked if I would be able to pick up the package in Wilmington, MA from the FedEx location there. I have no way to get to Wilmington, so I said no. Now, you might be wondering why my package went from Quincy, south of Boston, to Wilmington to the north of Boston. Not through Boston, I assure you. On Monday night, it travelled from Quincy to Connecticut and then back up to Wilmington, MA. Capitalistic market pressures will force businesses to reduce inefficiencies to stay profitable.

I told the representative to update the address and deliver my package. He said he would try, but offered no guarantees. I thanked him and hung up.

Maybe I didn't thank him. I forget.

When I arrived home Tuesday, I had in my mailbox a postcard from FedEx. It was dated Thursday, March 5th and informed me that FedEx was awaiting additional shipment information and that I could provide it through their website. That was a lie. I could provide no information through their website. The other interesting thing about the postcard is that it was in my mailbox despite my "Incorrect address - Apartment/Suite number".

On Wednesday, March 11th, I received my laptop at work. I was happy, but also a little disappointed that more things didn't go wrong. The elevator did not break. FedEx did not halt service due to the Coronavirus. No delivery drivers were robbed. The laptop had not been swapped for 2.7 pounds of jelly beans. It was a thoroughly boring delivery in the end.

Confession: I wrote that on Tuesday night in an attempt to jinx myself. It didn't work, which sort of means that it did. Either way, I have my laptop.

So what did I learn?

It's hard to trust people, but we should all do it more. Some of your closest friends may break your trust by not delivering your package when they say they will. Yet, if we all extend a little more trust, the way Dell trusted me to pay for my laptop even after they started shipping it, we might waste less time confirming our identities to legions of customer service representatives. We might even be able to leave a package outside the door and not bother signing for it. Sure, it might get stolen, but this is America. We can trust the police to get it back asap.