Why do we think we need to review everything that we see?
I’m in the museum leaving yelp reviews of Monet. It's Monet! There are maybe one or two people with enough expertise to qualify them to give Monet less than five stars. I’m not one of them. Yet I come strolling through and say, “Eh I don't really like the huts that much. 3 stars.”
It's the internet’s fault. These damn websites let people publish their thoughts. An older friend of mine went to a Broadway show that he didn't like and posted on Facebook: “The reviews are in, the new West Side Story is a stinkeroo.” What reviews are in? Are you the reviews? This single Facebook post is the reviews?
At least Facebook is infiltrated by the Russians.
Google Maps, on the other hand, is just full of dumb Americans. Or, as they like to call themselves, Local Guides. Google Maps will let you review anything. The Charles River has 4.8 stars. Local Guide Patrick Peeters thinks it has "nice views". He did not say why he was giving it only 4 stars. Maybe if the river had even nicer views, it could work its way up to a full five.
What does “This is a 4 star river” even mean?
Restaurant reviews I can somewhat understand. Things like food quality, comfort, service, and atmosphere can be judged in a somewhat objective manner. Restaurant reviews are also helpful. People who eat food can use them to learn where they might find good food and avoid bad food. People who run restaurants might read that Local Guide Patrick Peeters thinks that their plastic green tablecloths are tacky and invest in some more fashionable blue tablecloths.
The Charles River, though, can't change its tablecloths or views. Nor is a review of a river helpful to anyone. No one should need help from Local Guide Patrick Peeters choosing a river.
If you're in Boston, you really only have 2 rivers to choose from. The Charles and the Muddy River. Now, which river you want really depends on your needs. Looking at how many stars a river has isn't going to answer any questions you might have about the river. Can I kayak in it? Is it home to killer geese? Can I hide a body in it? Local Guide Patrick Peeters says "4 Stars: nice views" which leaves me stuck in my kayak in the Muddy River as the geese close in. Meanwhile, the body I dumped in the Charles is going to get caught in the dam and they'll catch me. Thanks a lot, Patrick.
So I looked up the rest of Patrick's reviews, because I can, and it turns out that he's pretty stingy with his 5 stars. Out of 85 reviews, he only gave 11 places the full 5. That's about 13% of places. It makes the 4 stars for the Charles seem not so bad.
So now you must be asking, what other intriguing reviews has Local Guide Patrick Peeters left, or rather, gifted to the public?
4 stars to a bowling alley in the Netherlands. "Good place for bowling," advises Peeters. Thanks. I had been considering going bowling in the Charles. God bless you and your reviews Mr. Peeters.
I've gotten A's most of my life, so it bothers me on a personal level that Patrick gives 4-star reviews without providing actionable feedback. Reminds me of a certain entrepreneurial studies professor... What's wrong with the Charles River, Patrick!? Why did we get an 84 on our final group presentation, Lana!?
Neither have responded to my emails.
When I give reviews, I'm nice enough to provide actionable feedback. The Charles River, which I have just rated as 3 stars, should be less bendy because I get lost sometimes. It should also be warmer. I hate how cold it is when I retrieve my bowling pins. Monet (4 stars) should stop painting so many huts.
Unfortunately, the river and Monet have not responded to my emails either. Maybe it's the unprofessional husky.neu.edu domain that's discouraging them.