As founder and chief executive of My Living Room Decor, I have a deeply
personal stake in ensuring an ambiance of natural bounty, fresh air,
and homeliness in my living room. It is thus with profound
regret that I must announce the necessary re-organization and
re-focusing of my houseplant. Specifically, we are asking 46%
of the leaves on the
team to seek
opportunities elsewhere, effective immediately. A generous severance package and a
referral letter to the compost bucket is available to all those affected.
At this time, I would like to assuage any doubts raised
by investors and stakeholders regarding the long-term viability and profitability
of my houseplant. Its brown leaves and generally withered appearance are
not indicative of its demise. It is not dying! These
factors are merely a reflection of broad macroeconomic forces and hardships beyond
our control. The difficult, though needed, leaf-force
adjustment will give the plant the agility that will prove crucial to
our success as these trends play out.
Again, I would
like to take personal responsibility for this decision, while at the
same time, absolving myself of any direct blame by appealing to
the current and anticipated future state of the economy. No,
I have not watered my houseplant in six weeks. No, I
did not buy any “plant food” for it. No,
I do not regularly open the curtains in the living room.
No, I do not shield my houseplant from cold drafts despite
its specific request that I do so. But these facts (viewpoints, really) are
trivial and irrelevant when considered with regards to the macro-scale
scope of trends pertaining to houseplants everywhere. I’ve done
nothing wrong and take full responsibility for having done/not done
so.
The remaining leaves and I look forward to the exciting
and challenging times ahead. I will water them tomorrow.
Editor's note: At press time, the author still had not watered his plant.