What follows was actually my first attempt at
writing about
the salt saga
, but I didn't finish
it, for reasons that should soon become obvious. For fans of SALT,
I hope you enjoy this extra bonus content. For those who have not
yet read SALT, this might be more enjoyable if you read at least
part 1
and
part 2
first. Or not.
I'm not in charge here.
Please forgive my formatting and everything else. I've never actually
read a real screenplay.
INTERIOR Local Thrift Shop
In the back of the dimly lit store, dull-eyed patrons flip
idly through a rack of disordered clothes. Two women chat near the
shoes, which are arranged neatly on a few shelves, but also heaped
haphazardly beneath the shelves. At the front, the
CASHIER
hands
a heavy bag to a short
OLD LADY
who then putters to the door.
Out the poster-covered windows, dusk is falling on a busy city street.
To the right of the door, a shirtless mannequin stands in the window
wearing corduroys and an Easter hat. As
OLD LADY
PROTAGONIST
PROTAGONIST
is a tweny-something tech bro: tall-ish, scruffy beard,
Allbirds, wrinkly khakis, puffy blue coat, Patagonia backpack, slightly sweaty.
His eyes adjusting to the darkness of the store, he nearly collides with
OLD LADY.
PROTAGONIST: Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.
OLD LADY
plows slowly onwards, unperturbed and unaware.
CASHIER: Hi! How are you?
PROTAGONIST:
Hi. How's it going?
PROTAGONIST
turns quickly to the household goods section of the store.
A towering shelf is heaped with bowls and plates and candles
and candelabras and candle snuffers and spoons and mugs and caraffes
and oddly shaped glasses.
PROTAGONIST:
Salt shaker, salt shaker, salt shaker...
PROTAGONIST
picks up a pepper grinder, thinks for a moment
and puts it back. He hurries outside.
EXTERIOR Busy City Street
A wide, Wes Anderson-style shot shows six or seven storefronts on a busy
city street. Pedestrians, cyclists and a bus pass by. To dramatic music,
PROTAGONIST
appears from the door of Local Thrift Shop and hurries down the sidewalk
to Art Store.
INTERIOR Art Store
The store is brightly lit and neatly organized. Soft pop radio
plays over the speakers.
ART STORE EMPLOYEE: Hi, welcome! Can I help you find anything today?
PROTAGONIST:
(pretending not to be startled)
Hi, thanks. No, I think I'm good.
PROTAGONIST
proceeds to pace the aisles with decreasing confidence. Canvasses,
paints, pens, glue, brushes, yarn, frames, posters, pencils, sketchbooks.
No salt shakers. He pauses for a while in the crafts section. Nothing.
At the front of the store is a gift section.
PROTAGONIST
circles it thrice.
He glances quickly at the cashier, clearly wondering what they would think
if he asked if they had any salt shakers. He shakes his head slightly and leaves.
EXTERIOR Busy City Street
Slightly wider shot. Same dramatic music. It's getting later.
PROTAGONIST
hurries from Art Store to Camping Supply Store.
INTERIOR Camping Supply Store
This is, (un)fortunately, where the screenplay ends. What becomes of
PROTAGONIST and whether he ever finds a salt shaker can only be imagined.
Just kidding. You can read the non-movie version
in full
right here
.