My grandmother, Mumsie, as we called her, was a terrible cook. When I was about 10, my cousins and I visited Mumsie for dinner once. This was the first and last time that we had dinner at Mumsie's. We were served lukewarm piles of microwaved Hamburger Helper on paper plates. Now, I have nothing against Hamburger Helper. Well, I have a few things against Hamburger Helper. But, regardless, it should be served hot, and maybe not when you're hosting guests. We picked at it and pushed it around and then tossed the plates face down in trash, hoping Mumsie wouldn't notice. We were never invited back for dinner, so it's possible that she noticed.

My mother, unfortunately, inherited Mumsie's talents in the kitchen. With this in mind, I would like to share

. Hope you're hungry.

-- To start, preheat the oven to 625 degrees Fahrenheit. Yes, that's a bit warm, but my mom grew up eating under cooked and raw meat, so give her a break, alright?

-- Next, slice and season the pork. Actually just slice it. If the kids want some flavor, they can dip it in ketchup.

-- Now that the tenderloin is nicely sliced and the oven is nice and hot, put it (the pork) on some tinfoil and throw it in there (the oven).

-- While the tenderloin cooks, maybe throw some corn in the microwave. You can toss it next to the meat to give the plate some color or something. That's a thing, right?

(My family is very athletic and everything always involved a great deal of throwing. If you ask, "Pass the salt, please," you better have your hands up, receiving position, thumbs together, and eyes on the ball, er, salt. We got our own knives.)

-- When the smoke alarm goes off, it's almost time to take the pork out. Remove the batteries from the alarm and unplug it. That damn thing is always going off. Take the pork out of the oven and toss a couple slices on each plate. Throw some corn on there too, leaving room for ketchup.

-- Finally, before serving, remind your guests to leave room for dessert. Ice cream. It's always ice cream.