It has lately come to my attention that certain unnamed members of the household community have not been doing their utmost to ensure that the apartment is kept in a most harmonious and habitable condition. I have much respect for you, my co-inhabitants, and your varying needs, interests, desires, aptitudes, personalities and personal defects. So great is my respect that it is with tremendous hesitancy that I proceed, but proceed I must. In order to ameliorate and put cease to the deteriorating conditions of life in our home, I have drawn up these terms, a "Roommate Agreement", if you will. Upon receipt, please read and sign the agreement within two days. Together, we can make this home a home.
Section 1: General Cleanliness
To be fair, you guys are actually pretty clean. Maybe help with the sweeping once in a while. Other than that, keep it up!
Section 2: Routine Chores
Screw systems and fuck routines! Let's just communicate and get shit done as needed. I think it's working so far.
Section 3: Bird Protocol
This section outlines some common-sense protocols for dealing with birds.
Subsection A: Protocol for Birds Encountered in the Exterior of the Living Premises
If you have occasion to leave the living premises, meaning herein the apartment and interior common areas, including but not limited to entryways, stairwells, and basements, and if, upon such an occasion, you encounter or set sights upon a bird, please do the following:
In accordance with local ordinances, do not feed any water fowl. If you are unsure if the bird is a member of a species of water fowl, the easiest way to find out is to feed it. If you promptly receive a fine from the local Department of Parks and Recreation, it is a water fowl.
Do not touch, grab, ensnare, entrap, or otherwise engage with the bird, especially with the intent to capture it.
You may quack at the bird.
Subsection B: Protocol for Birds Encountered upon the Thresholds of the Living Premises
DO NOT AFFORD ACCESS TO A BIRD ENCOUNTERED UPON THE THRESHOLDS OF THE LIVING PREMISES. Close the window, door or flue which gates access to the threshold upon which the bird seeks to gain access to the living premises. Importantly, if the bird is encountered in the midst of its egress from the premises, close the door/window/flue in such a way that allows the bird to continue its egress. Do not impede a leaving bird from leaving. We wish the bird to leave; a leaving bird is on our side.
Subsection C: Protocol for Birds Encountered in the Interior of the Living Premises
In the event that a bird gains ingress to the living premises of our home (may this happen with considerable infrequency), please do the following:
Encourage and allow the bird to leave the premises with deliberate haste. Open exterior doors and windows in the room in which the bird resides. Close doors leading further into the premises. When opening such portals, take care to not permit the further ingress of additional birds (see Subsection B).
If the bird appears docile and non-threatening, and is of reasonable size, say, smaller than an albatross, then a shoo-ing motion or feigned kick may be undertaken to further encourage the bird's egress.
Before the bird leaves, take note of its general qualities, size, color and demeanor. This will be useful in communicating to others about the severity of the bird incident. If there are several birds involved, also note their number. Attempt also to identify the species of bird. It may behoove your memory to take a picture of the bird.
Shortly after the bird's departure, attempt to ascertain the method of the bird's ingress. Are there open windows? Doors? Gaping, albatross-shaped holes in the wall? Birds are untidy animals. It may have left droppings or feathers. These clues may provide a path leading to the bird's method of ingress. This path is best followed when fresh.
Clean up the goddamn bird poop!!