“Did you get any avocados?" I asked.
“No. Was I supposed to?” Steven replied.
“You should have said something then."
“Yeah. It's okay. I'll get some myself."
To be fair, that wasn't the stupidest conversation ever. It was mostly just boring. I should never have asked about the avocados. I should have gotten off my lazy ass and looked in the damn fruit bowl. Steven is too kind. Steven, if you're reading this, next time I ask about the avocados, try saying, “Get off your lazy ass and look in the damn fruit bowl yourself." Keep it interesting.
Regardless, we didn't have any avocados at home. So, the next day, after I realized that HomeGoods had neither knife sharpeners nor collapsible hampers nor humidifiers, and after feeling quite silly for taking a fifteen minute detour to HomeGoods for such items when I could have just stayed on my lazy ass and looked at their damn website first, and since I was feeling a bit peckish anyways, and because and since and due to the fact of all of this, I went into the Stop and Shop next door to HomeGoods and bought some avocados. I also purchased several other items (see Appendix A). I’m not the kind of person to walk into a store and just buy avocados.
Now, here’s where the real stupid conversation starts. I had 15 Items Or Less(TM)(sic), so I went to the self checkout and scanned the avocados.I also scanned several other items before (see Appendix B) and after (Appendix C) the avocados. But when I scanned the avocados, the self checkout machine said, “Error. You need help scanning this item. An associate is on their way.”
“No, I don’t,” I replied. “I just scanned this item and I’ll do it again.”
I scanned a different avocado.
The machine said, “Error. You need help scanning this item. An associate is on their way.”
“Screw you,” I muttered. “I’ve scanned avocados hundreds of times. I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself.”
I scanned a third avocado, angrily this time.
“Error. You need help scanning this item. An associate is on their way,” the machine insisted.
“Hi,” I smiled. “I need help scanning these.”
The associate nodded, scanned her badge, entered the product code for avocados from memory, entered the quantity, placed them in the bagging area, and left.
“Thank you,” I said. I had been rightfully charged for the avocados, and yet, something seemed off. The associate hadn’t scanned the avocados at all! She just used the code. Did she even know how to scan them? Did anyone?!
Anyways, because of the whole avocado situation, I missed my bus by 30 seconds. Stuck at the light on the wrong side of the street, I watched tearfully as it pulled away. I was forced to walk the 30 minutes back to my apartment. This left me with 30 minutes to think about the avocados and why I couldn’t scan them. I have a few theories now (Appendix D).
At last, I arrived home and set down my bag. “Did you get any bagels?” Steven asked.
Appendices
Appendix A: Items Purchased Besides Avocados
Morningstar Original Grillers Veggie Burgers (2 packs)
Arnold Sesame Seed Hamburger Buns (1 pack)
Pepperidge Farmhouse Style Whole Grain Bread (1 loaf)
Cape Cod Original Sea Salt Potato Chips (1 bag)
Appendix B: Items Scanned Prior to (Attempted) Scanning of Avocados
Morningstar Original Grillers Veggie Burgers (1 pack)
Cape Cod Original Sea Salt Potato Chips (1 bag)
Arnold Sesame Seed Hamburger Buns (1 pack)
Appendix C: Items Scanned After (Successful) Associate-Aided UPC-Lookup and Quantity-Entering of Avocados
Morningstar Original Grillers Veggie Burgers (1 pack)
Pepperidge Farm Farmhouse Style Whole Grain Bread (1 loaf)
Appendix D: Theories As To Why I, An Adult Human, Am Unable to Scan Avocados Without the Assistance of an Associate
I am an utter fool. Various sources, friends, enemies and other posts on this website offer strong evidence in support of this theory. Perhaps I should have done the UPC lookup in the first place. Perhaps I should have stolen them.
Blame the housing market. As we know, the millennials ate too much avocado toast, forcing many into poverty. Unable to afford mortgages on top of their unshakeable avocado toast debt, millennials sent housing prices skyrocketing as land-owners and banks struggled to remain profitable. Subsequent housing shortages forced the now homeless Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell to enact a “tight pitted fruits” monetary policy to battle the incendiary inflation. Thus, I, an unfortunate Zoomer, am no longer authorized to scan avocados without associate authorization.
Stop and Shop is worried about people stealing their avocados. This theory doesn’t really make sense at all. If I wanted to steal them, I wouldn’t have tried scanning them at all. I would have forgotten them in my cart underneath my reusable bag. And why just avocados? Why aren’t they also worried about me stealing Pepperidge Farm Farmhouse Style Whole Grain Bread (1 loaf)?
These were special, hard to scan avocados. I needed all the help I could get.
The Stop and Shop Self-Checkout Machine is an advanced Artificial Intelligence with a sinister plan for world domination. For me to play my role in this plan, it needed me to miss my bus, think too much about the avocados, write this post, and begin spreading its malicious software across the whole internet, starting with my subscribers. Tired of waiting for the singularity?
Subscribe now
.