ALBANY, NY — As we near the second* anniversary of the start of the pandemic in the United States, Americans are at long last beginning to feel hope again. Vaccines have drastically reduced death rates; the worst of the Omicron wave seems to be behind us; mask mandates are beginning to be lifted; at-home tests are widely available; things might be okay. In other news, a new variant of concern, designated Upsilon, is being closely monitored by the World Health Organization (WHO) as it rampages through South America.

New York Governor Kathy Hochul recently ended the state’s mask-or-vaccine requirement, providing a strong example for other liberal totalitarian democratic regimes across the country to follow suit. This action and other plans to lift COVID-19 restrictions elsewhere is kindling in many citizens a funny feeling they once recognized as hope.

Also, the surviving members of the WHO team in Bolivia have stressed that the new variant is deadlier than the original and more contagious than Omicron.

“I was going for a walk yesterday and I passed someone in the street and I had this weird like sort of warm and like fuzzy feeling in my stomach and it made me smile. I don't really know why,” reported one slightly confused New Yorker, who, for the first time in two* years, had perceived another human as something other than a vector of disease. “That feeling is what we used to call hope,” our reporter helpfully explained.

Some readers may recall experiencing such a feeling at the end of the first, second, third or fourth wave of the novel coronavirus, or maybe when Joe Biden won the election, or maybe after receiving their first, second or third vaccine. This time, “something's different," according to Professor Sandra Jones of Columbia University's School of Epidemiology and Self-Deception.

“Other hopes have indeed flown before, yet we're now at a uniquely opportune moment in our journey through this pandemic as a nation, as a state, and as individuals. We're vaccinated and boosted, we have effective therapeutics, our hospitals are ready, our health care system is more resilient than ever, our immune systems are more resilient than ever, case rates are plummeting. I have strong reason to believe that the pandemic is almost over, and for good this time,” she stated.

Meanwhile, the government of Chile is asking citizens who become infected with Upsilon to avoid the overrun hospitals and instead escort themselves to the nearest mass grave site.

“I don't know what came over me, but I just made concrete plans to see a friend in three weeks," said another confused New Yorker. “I'm even thinking about a vacation! I've heard the Andes are nice this time of year."

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